I'm Merrie and I'm a Carb-aholic. I'm addicted to Zone Fudge Graham bars, among other things. Once you are done reading this, please consider driving to Charlotte and prying the bars out of my hands. (I promise not to bite or scratch.) Then I'll need you to run down to Target, buy up all their bars and destroy them. While you're on the way, can you pop over to the popcorn shop across the street and shut them down? I don't have the will power to live near a store that sells 50 different kinds of popcorn, and I'm grown enough to admit that. Especially, when they have 4 different Caramel & Cheese mixes. Four different kinds!! Also, they don't post any of their nutritional information online, so you know there are a million calories in each bag. In addition, can you tell them that no, it's not ok to just buy two bags instead of one if you want to mix them? First, I feel it's wrong to spend $10 on popcorn, and second...who do you think is going to eat that other bag of popcorn? Me! That's who! So, instead of getting one bag of god-knows-how-many-calories-are-in-it-popcorn, I'll be forced to eat 2!
Ok...calm down. This is not the end of the world. You've faced candy down before. But, I'm so weak now. I'm not in top form. I'm one bar away from saying "forget it" and just moving into their factory. How am I gonna get out of this? I just lost 10 pounds and am in jeopardy of gaining it all back. In addition, this is a very dangerous time of year for me. First, there's my birthday in August. Then Halloween hits in October. Then, "Bam!" it's Thanksgiving and Christmas, and before you know it it's Valentine's day. I'm on a slippery slope that's gonna lead to having my stomach pumped for candy corn and conversation heart over dose. What am I gonna do?
Maybe I can get arrested. There's no gourmet popcorn in jail, right? Or maybe I can join the Navy and live on a submarine...I bet there's no popcorn down there either. But then I'd be cramped in a tiny capsule with 30 men, under 1000 tons of water. That might not be worth it...Sigh...I worked so hard to get here! It's not fair! Why can't I be too young to buy junk food? Or too old? Maybe they should have warning labels on junk food like cigarette cartons do. "Warning! This product is highly addictive and will be impossible to put down. You know that dress you love to wear? Try fitting into it after you've downed a box a Zone bars four nights in a row!" Anyone agree? If so, I'll get a petition started.
Having a free will is a slippery slope. A tasty slope, but a slippery one none the less. I think this is the point where I admit that my life is outta control and not in my hands. This is when I appeal to a higher power:
Dear Mother Nature,
It's me again, Merrie! Thanks for making my cat's ring worm start to clear up, although giving Mary feline acne was a bit of a surprise. (Cats get acne? It's caused by using plastic bowls? Huh? What are you playing at?) Anyway, I'm sure I'll learn a lot from this experience. I have one more favor to ask: "Could you possibly smite the popcorn shop down the street?" I know it's a mom and pop store and the guy who owns it is really sweet, but I gotta think about myself now. Maybe you don't have to send a tornado to destroy it; maybe you could just make the owner realize that his true calling is in real estate, not popcorn. Yeah, that will work.
Thanks again for letting me know what you think and I look forward to hearing your response! I'm also open to any other ideas you may have. :)
Merrie K. (aka Desperately Dieting in Charlotte)